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In praise of older women

I wasn't planning another post so soon, but this is just too funny. The first piece was written by Frank Kaiser of Suddenly Senior. (If you've come across this before and thought it was coined by Andy Rooney of 60 Minutesno, it wasn't.)

The second piece was written by Benjamin Franklin. The latter is an unequalled combination of truth, humour, lies, condescension and insults, but let's remember it was written in 1745.

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Frank Kaiser

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible. Today, now in my 70s, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.

But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.

As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.

An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman has been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!

And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!
  • Her libido's stronger.
  • Her fear of pregnancy's gone.
  • Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.
  • And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old coot clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

Benjamin Franklin

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:


Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

And Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely

Your affectionate Friend.
B. Franklin

PS: Grateful? Generous with praise? Us older women? Maybe. If you deserve it. It all depends on what is above your male Girdle.


PPS: No, I'm not a hot 75-year-old babe yet. Unfortunately.

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